I need a smoke...

I need a smoke.

Yesterday, was one heavy day...

So I got the news from my friend across seas that her fiancé’s father had passed away. He had been sick for a while now, and it had only gotten worse by time. The long distance between my friend and her love had been ever so more sacrificing as they had been longing for each other in these hard times. I spoke to him on the phone while in the Philippines, and I could hear how he wanted to burst out his sorrow and pain for all strength he had to succumb while driving his father back and forth between hospital and their home.

I've been back for a few weeks now after another dreamy trip. Whilst all the paper work and the occasional peeking into my private email and facebook, I catch myself thinking of this matter, a bit stressed out, thanks to myself, and my plans for travelling, just as I had adjusted to CET and normal routines again incl. the extracurricular meetings outside office hours, I had to finish a lot of tasks meet a lot of deadlines, to not feel too bad for leaving work again!

All the while I’m thinking of the life we need to celebrate and how we should live without regrets.
I don’t want to say too much, but what my friend and her fiancée’s are going through are the times when one should allow oneself to reflect a little more on the life one is pursuing. Some are sad just to be sad, some live life even more fulfilling, some change abruptly and others may just stand still.

There are too many things in life we allow ourselves to focus on and worry about, and even succeed in. And in most cases these things do tend to determine where our happiness lies. Our careers, our personal goals, our happiness here and now, our reputation, our status in life etc., while the ironic part is no matter how little or how much money and career we pursue and posess, we all experience the same rollercoaster life of emotions, ego, insecurities and all depends, we have high and low self confidences too...

I don't smoke, nor will I ever, my father has smoked ever since I was a child, and quit smoking when he could feel something wrong with his breathing a few years back. I'm sensitive to smoke, I can smell it from afar and will make those irritating, child-like sounds of coughing when I do inhale smoke from somewhere. I am not one of those who has to try everything once to "defend" my dislike for things, but like most, I did try. I remember my first cigaret I held and lit, was in my parents bedroom with one of my best friends, eversince childhood, we've done crazy things together, whether she or I started and got the other one to do it, is never realyy clear to me, hahaha.. I never inhaled, but I remember we were terrified to get caught by my parents, I don't even remember where the cigarette came from. Years later, I had one real puff once with a close friend in our school system's version of high school, we were opening our hearts and having a really heavy conversation with one another so to lift the atmosphere a little she handed me her smoke. Back then it was still legal and allowed to smoke inside restaurants, cafes and bars, and i remember how it felt like the deepest inhale ever and the worst one too.. coughing badly right after while my friend had the best laugh of it. Never touched a smoke again! :p

I could use something that would relief me from heavy thoughts and tensity that smokers say a cigarette, or whatever one chooses to smoke, does for your body, as days like these can seem really heavy and thoughts that lead to questions like "what is the purpose, really?" and "how much have I done to waste it", or "how late am I for anything?"
Yup, my one and only blogpost for the fifth and fast month of the year :)