Hesitate

So, it's been a while again, since I last blogged for real.

I've been jotting down my thoughts these past months but not really wanting to post them.

2012's first few months have been quite entertaining, and I had  to conclude that irony in a funny sense kind of hit me seriously this time. hehe..

A roller-coaster ride that I thought I'd never wanted to end, but with the several loops turning me upside down, more than once made my head spin but really leaving the ride smiling. I fell for a guy, after tossing and turning in and out of bed, if this was something I really wanted and dared to give a chance, I'm not in my younger age anymore, so I thought if I can climb mountains and stand on edges 1km above sea level, I might as well jump into the deep waters of "love" bla bla bla.. and all the sounds of vomiting yeah. Politics and pros and cons about this decision were seriously running through my mind in the start of the year, all the while having to make up my mind about ending my stagnating career at the time.

In the third month of the year, I was finally face to face, side by side, hand in hand and lips to lips with my said attempt... lol and I was happy, he was happy - all while the oppositions and challenges still remained, I left after two weeks, grinning, drinking, partying and bonding with family and friends and left my heart with a boy.

Challenges were real, when reality hit, I was home, unemployed and no one beside me, no one to hold my hand, not hearing a certain voice, fingers working out while the real chatting and skyp'ing began.

Another admirer I'd been crushing on ever since he shared his very opinionated mind, finally opened up his true feelings, while I supposedly was in a relationship, he found out, and took it back. Irony, eh.

The supposedly relationship didn't last long, it was hard, as we only just began, never got the chance to really get to know each other, counting and managing time apart became too much. Long distance isn't for everyone, but am hoping as he was a dear friend from the start, that we one day can continue being friends.

I'm now on the merry-go-round, feeling as if I see the same things over and over again. My head's spinning but not too much as it all goes by slower than I usually pace my life. Career and wanting to have a family are goals that seem so far right now, ironic as they were very close a few months ago. I usually travel every few months, but because my economic situation is tighter than ever, I need to stand still a bit which means thoughts run through my mind faster than ever.

With and without my camera, I witness people around me get ready for marriage, getting married, get proposed to, get pregnant, get promoted, praising their culture, making a political stand, display their lifestyle for a greater good etc. and I continue running, I lost a lot of fat on my thighs in the start of the year, my tummy is forming gradually but positively ;) and the only realy goal I have at the moment is to be able to wear a bikini in December! Hah! I chose the title Hesitate, a song I found on youtube while emo'ing and processing and analyzing my persona. It's so funny when the ride takes you "down" you can really relate to those sob sad songs, whether they're about life in general or love or anything else blah, and you think to yourself, how can some stranger know exactly how you feel?! Lol, yeah you know what I mean! :p

So anyway, the questions; Should I stay? Should I go? Where? What? are what I'm asking myself now. But I won't ask why - that, I will leave time to tell me... I guess, my life in my thirties is really beginning...

So, wish me luck ;)

I won't hesitate this time...