The heart of the matter...

So it still snows on colosseum, holding my little snowball once a day just to get in that mood and to let that calm smile appear.. Outside it is truly a winter wonderland, the streets are white, the roofs are covered and the few lakes and canals around the city are frozen and covered white :)


A short conversation with my favorite friend across seas, having shared to me the status of her heart these past weeks and days; she buzzes and says "he is infront of me now eating", I reply: "i  can hear your heart beat, but im unsure if it's beating fast or normal?"

As it is in this season, time has been crazy and everyone suddenly had to get to do everything all at once; for me it was to see my friends, I had too little time on too few days in a week, but I was able to see some during the whole month of december and some at christmas parties.. A wonderful and cozy dinner at my humble casa I had with two dear friends of mine start of the week, and it ended with hot tea, cupcakes, c-vitamins a pack of playing cards where one of the two was reading our fortune.


He had so wanted to read my fortune, and I've as always been sceptic and hesitant, but I gave in this very evening, and he goes; cut the stack in three, so i did.. then he put them together in one stack again, and said knock on it and make a wish or ask a question, again so I did. He then asked me to pick out thirteen as he lay them out as if domino pieces that had fallen in a line. He started reading the cards, starting with the 13, we did this 3 times. He asked me if I heard what I wanted or needed to hear, regarding my wish or question. I said I kind of did yeah; but as this wish had nothing to do with the matters of the heart, matters of the heart did appear in this fortunetelling.. funny, as I don't usually have this done; because I am a person that think about things a lot but I'm also a person who'd like to think I choose my own ways, but still I think it's funny how close he came to the status of my heart in present.
In short, he said; there are three men in my life right now, I have a plan, and therefore cannot make my decision, I will fall in love in June, and my plan will go through in May, a fourth man, who's married and has a child, will come along and I will choose him.. hmm..

I met with my so-called crush for the first time in weeks. It felt weird, wasn't sure if I even felt anything. And I couldn't ask him anything; as if him being silent with me was ok. I know we didn't exactly part as being the most talkative people, but I also knew his mind was busy, finding someone you like and letting yourself fall is really hard enough as it is; considering circumstances in the means of surviving and deciding to be together, the situation is distracting, discouraging and badtiming.. Wasn't sure of the status of my heart, at that very moment. He told me how the plans had developed; and i couldn't find the guy who sounded so desperate on the phone a week ago, so eager and so longing but still hesitant to tell me he missed me and how we wanted to hug me, and how he thought we should try again.. I feel guilty and that's why I can't say anything; the guy I supposedly should be head over heels for is in front of me; contemplating on his future, and all I can say is; did I show you my last publication? Hmm.. On Christmas day, I got a call, her heart was beating tremendously fast and crying out to me, letting me know I'm the first she's sharing it to! The months, the weeks and days of contemplating over the matters of her heart, it finally had a very different turn! I couldn't stop crying as her voice was eagerly telling me how happy and truly shocked she was, as she was ready to end everything... I just watched a movie "Going The Distance" Drew Barrymore and Justin Long in the leadroles; portraying an American couple struggling with a long distance relationce across states, having to cope with compromises, dillemmas, the longing, the sacrifices and all the decisions.. Love is not merely enough for two people to be and stay together, decisions and true sacrifices has to be made, my dear friend I know had been in despair for a long time, and I sincerely heard through that cellphone that this was a relief... She had not made her final decision and she knows it still will be a sacrifice but at least she got a rock and his "sacrificial love". We all wish to have that feeling that someone will just open their arms and be ready to catch you however heavy your heart may be, they won't care of the weight as long as you let them hold you.. stay and be with you... I know Christmas is a season for love; and while we do celebrate the feasts of friendships, foodtrips, and family, it is funny how things unexpectedly turn out the way they just apparently should beyond our control... I've had a good year, I smile and I know that the heart of the matter for me is and always will be the happiness of my family and my close friends... Happy Holidays.